I’m going away for a while.

August 14, 2011 at 11:46 am (Real Life)

Not physically. I’m going to stop blogging and disable my Twitter account in a few days. I’m also disabling my OK Cupid profile, and putting a wonderful blossoming relationship on hold. I am closing my marriage.

These are not easy decisions. But I know that at this point, this is the best thing for me to do.

For quite a while now, I have felt a heavy weight crushing me. It is partly from a great deal of work-related stress, which those of you who follow me on Twitter have probably observed. It is partly from reflection over my impending 40th birthday, pondering the progress I’ve made as a person in the past decade, and struggling with some disappointments over progress I felt I should have made but haven’t. It is partly from a growing sense that I need a change, a big change, in my life, but also feeling unable to identify exactly what that should be. Is is partly from a sense of being overburdened with responsibilities and having to carry everything and everyone around me. It’s a lot of stuff, really. It’s a depression I’ve been weaving in and out of all year, and it’s so complicated at this point I don’t know how to begin to unravel and make sense of it in order to fix it.

What I do know, and have long believed, that you can’t fully love others if you can’t love yourself. I’m struggling to love and accept myself. And if I continue down the path I’m on now, the things I’m doing will become unhealthy and destructive. That’s not what I want, for myself or the people I love. I don’t want to drag anyone down with me. I hope that by stepping back now and focusing on myself, I can come back to the self I used to know and love – a happy, vibrant, sexual, beautiful, confident woman – and be better able to uplift the ones I love as a result.

I appreciate the friendships and connections I’ve made through Twitter and this blog. If you want to keep in touch, please DM me to exchange email addresses. Supportive people are precious and I will be grateful for any who can help me.

Thank you for reading and listening to me. I’ll be back one day.

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3 Comments

  1. veronica said,

    i’m going to miss ANTICIPATING for your beautiful posts alice… but i’m not holding you back… whatever you decide is still the best, after all, ONLY YOU can help yourself OUT of any mess you’re into…

    I’LL BE HERE WAITING okay?! BE TWICE AS happy, vibrant, sexual, beautiful and confident OKAY!?!?!?

    • Alice Digitalis said,

      Thanks so much for your kindness! I’m very fortunate and very grateful for the support I’m receiving. It helps me a lot to have a safe place to be able to stop and address my problems. I’ll be back in a few months, if not sooner.

  2. Kasini said,

    darn it! I just discover you and you’re going!

    I have been blogging, in one form or another for over 6 years now. In the middle there I had to take a significantly long break while I made a last ditch effort to save my marriage and then begin the break up. I missed blogging like I would miss water, but it was also a relief not to have to think of new content when the things I was dealing with were not ready to be written about. It was a relief to be able to just feel and deal without needing to do the sorting and winnowing and crafting necessary to write for strangers.

    I wish you health, happiness, and success at your goals.

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