Been There, Done That. So What?

May 30, 2011 at 10:18 pm (Sex) (, , , )

I’ve been around the block more than a few times, but I’m not ashamed to admit there are quite a few things I haven’t done yet that I’d like to. Part of the reason for that is the struggle to find a partner who’s interested in trying a few of the things I want to try. And thus the gripe that is the core of this post – the whole “been there, done that” attitude I seem to encounter in men.

Maybe it’s just me and my choices in men, but I seem to get this a LOT.

Me: “Let’s do X!”

Him (with a world-weary sigh): “I’ve been doing X since I was 13.”

Me: “Okay… well, how about Y?”

Him (rolling his eyes but trying to be nice about it): “My ex-girlfriend was so into that, I’m kind of tired of it.”

Me: “Hmmm, so maybe Z?”

Him: “You don’t want to try Z. Trust me.”

At which point I put the girls back in the boulder holder and we go on our merry way.

Really, why are so many of the men I know dismissive of attempts to be adventurous just because they’ve already tried it? Turning up your nose at a suggestion, or looking down at someone for suggesting it, is just simply unkind, and is not being a good playmate. Each person has a unique set of experiences, and the scope of sexual experience is pretty damn broad, so it’s not necessarily a sign of inexperience if a partner hasn’t yet participated in certain acts. And as sex-positive individuals, why not be accepting of the scope of experience of each unique individual as part of what makes them unique?

While you may have been lucky enough to have had the experiences I’m interested in, that doesn’t make you or your sexual history superior to mine. And most importantly – you haven’t done those things with me. If your rule for sexual experience is “been there, done that”, then why are you having sex at all, with anyone? You’ve had a blow job – why get another one? You’ve had intercourse – really, you want that again? Your logic breaks down quickly.

If there’s something you tried already that you really, truly don’t want to experience again, that’s fine – it wouldn’t be fair to ask a partner to repeat an act that you’ve already discovered is not your cup of tea. Sex should be fun for everyone involved. But stay open to new experiences with new people, and don’t be a jaded pain in the ass, or you won’t get any ass… leastways not from me.


  1. EvolvingWife said,

    I’m a new reader of your blog, but my first thought was where you are meeting people. Have you tried Is there a sex-positive or kink friendly community in your area?

    • Alice Digitalis said,

      Thanks for your comments. I live in a pretty conservative city, and have struggled to find much of a sex-positive community. I’m reluctant to reach out into the kink realm; I call myself kinky but I’m feeling less and less inclined to play that way, so I probably would not be a good partner to someone who is kinky in a broader sense. I meet men online through various channels, and I’m working on becoming more comfortable with being “out” amongst our friends, which could potentially provide some opportunities for richer relationships. We’ll see…

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