Through a different lens.

May 11, 2011 at 8:35 pm (Real Life) (, , , )

Like so many women, I struggle with my self-image. I see all the imperfections when I look in the mirror. I see what I lack when I look at other women. After much hard work, I’ve been able to reach the point where I can say a sincere “thank you” to a compliment rather than a reflexive denial of whatever was being complimented, which is an accomplishment in and of itself. For the most part I am accepting of myself as I am – my weight, my shape, my sagging breasts, my stretch marks. But acceptance isn’t the same as self-love, and I don’t generally use many positive words to describe my physical self.

As I’m putting myself back “out there”, dating in search of an additional intimate relationship, this self-image issue has become problematic. Especially in poly dating, I’m constantly wondering and comparing myself to other playmates or partners. Fatter/thinner, more kinky/less kinky, older/younger, whatever – I’m having a hard time accepting that my partners will see the differences as just that – differences – and not judge me for not being X, Y or Z like their other partners are. That’s totally my problem to deal with, and not theirs; but while I’m working on changing my way of thinking, it can be a painful struggle, and it gets in the way of my ability to be open, relaxed and comfortable with my partners. I don’t like that and I want to change.

As a result of my self-esteem issues, I’ve always hated having my picture taken. There are very, very few pictures of me that I actually like and think show me at my best. I have long wanted to have some pictures shot by a professional photographer with the skills and techniques to make me look my best. I wanted some nice shots for profile pics, and I wanted some sexy shots I could share with my partners and playmates for fun. I’ve been thinking about this for over a year and even knew who I wanted to work with – a local photographer who likes working with curvy, plus-size, and unconventional beauties. He takes gorgeous photos and has made women of my same shape and size look phenomenal.

So I did it. I booked a session, picked out some outfits, hauled my husband along for moral support, and ended up stripping in front of a stranger with a camera. It will rank up there as one of the best experiences of my life. I stopped caring about my love handles; I barely thought about my double chin; and once I went topless I was, eventually, able to remove my hands from my breasts and let them be seen and photographed exactly as they are. Β With just a few nudging suggestions from the photographer and the DH, I ran through poses and peeled off layers of clothing until I was down to a cute pair of panties and nothing else. And I loved it. It was fun!

Once I donned my clothing again and the pictures were uploaded from camera to computer, we all sat down and watched the slideshow of 300+ shots roll by. Of course there are many from bad angles, wrong lighting, awkward poses, weird hand placement, whatever — but then there would be one that was simply amazing. Another one where I looked radiant. Another that was coy and sexy. Another where I looked happy. Another that showed off my curves. And another. And another. And I had to struggle not to cry.

I am beautiful. I am sexy. In my own unique way, with my faults and my features combined, I am beautiful. I may not fit everyone’s definition of beauty, but that’s okay.

It was a revelation. I have never been able to see myself that way before. And I have all these pictures to remind myself, at any time, that being myself is sexy and gorgeous and… good.

Alice

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5 Comments

  1. wow said,

    Insanely awesome picture. Very tantalizing.

    • Alice Digitalis said,

      Thank you kindly πŸ™‚

  2. Through a different lens. (via Such Nonsense) « V E R O N I C A said,

    […] Through a different lens. (via Such Nonsense) Like so many women, I struggle with my self-image. I see all the imperfections when I look in the mirror. I see what I lack when I look at other women. After much hard work, I've been able to reach the point where I can say a sincere "thank you" to a compliment rather than a reflexive denial of whatever was being complimented, which is an accomplishment in and of itself. For the most part I am accepting of myself as I am – my weight, my shape, my … Read More […]

  3. veronica said,

    you definitely look happy =P the camera captured your best feature, your beauty that radiates with confidence,,

    envy you,, wish i could have a photo session like this too =P

  4. Xaelynn said,

    This is a lovely post. You are beautiful.

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